holiday help part 2

... Grandma turned to me and said, without sarcasm, that I should run downstairs and grab a pair of Jimmy's, the chunky twin brother whose name is not really Jimmy, shorts and put those on to go swimming. At this point I should remind the gentle reader that Jimmy while a bit plump was really a fairly normal kid and only seven. Needless to say as I entered the bathroom with his basketball shorts in hand I did not have high hopes for success, if success were to be measured by the ability to put on children's clothing . I soon found out that even with sucking in my gut and thinking small I was only able to pull the shorts up to about knee level.

At this point I was somewhat embarrassed by the whole thing but I came out of the bathroom and told grandma that I was not able to put on Jimmy's shorts and did not know what else I could do to help the situation. Apparently grandma really was wicked since she merely smiled again and said that while I was trying the shorts on, she had come to the perfect solution and that I just needed to stay there with the kids for a couple of minutes while she ran out. She then left the house and within a couple of minutes returned with a small brown paper bag in hand which she promptly handed to me upon returning. She said, "I think this should do it. Why don't you go try these on and I really don't think grandpa will mind."

At this point I was a bit confused but I went ahead without asking any questions. I went into the bathroom, opened the bag and began to inspect the contents. At the bottom of the bag was a swimsuit, at least I think that is what it was, that must have been made sometime around WWII. I had been given grandpa's swimsuit. I pulled them out and they were of a baby blue color with a while stripe along the bottom of the shorts. Now grandpa was a somewhat big man at this point and as I began to put on these shorts I realized that it must have been a long time since he had last gone swimming. I finally was able to pull on the suit and then turned to look into the mirror. My first feeling was of horror. These shorts were little more then a speedo and being that it was late summer I had a good tan line going right about at my knees. This left about a six inch shockingly white strip of skin on each leg. These shorts could not have been much tighter and everything that I am and everything that I am not was there for the world to see. Also this whole story takes place during what I like to call 'my chunky stage' so my already existing gut was extenuated and forced forward screaming to be noticed.

This was not a good feeling. However it did not get any better when we left and went to a public swimming pool for the next two hours. We were there during the afternoon on a weekday so the average populace was young mothers and their small children. At this point I should note that one of the characteristics of the child that I worked with was to run away from whatever adult he was with and to scream and swing his arms. This created the ideal awkward setting where I, in grandpa's swimsuit, was running after a screaming child past young overprotective mothers. I may have imagined it but I swear that several of the moms grabbed their children and held them close each time that I went by. I really can't blame them since I am pretty sure I would have done the same thing.

So that is my story and I hope that the image that came to your mind of me in grandpa's swimsuit helps you next time you are reaching for another cookie and you want to resist.

Holiday Help part 1

Well I have not blogged for sometime now as the desire to write as been lifted from me as of late. This state of being may have never ended if it were not for God speaking through my friend Mary and under divine guidance telling me to get my act together. At least this is what I am told.

After being a model narcissist and looking back at my old blogs, I began to feel that I am a moody, constipated Christian so this blog is just for the fun of it and I hope it might help some of you.

Let me begin by saying that my goal here is to help you with any weight management goals you may have over the holidays. My suggestion is for you to merely picture the following as you reach for another cookie and you will find that the desire to consume will be taken from you. To begin we must go back to the summer of 1999 to my most embarrassing moment.

This summer I was working with three children with autism, note the politically correct reference, and one of these children lived over thirty minutes from my home. It is not uncommon for children with autism so enjoy swimming as it is believed that it stimulates their senses in a multitude of ways. This was at least the case of the seven year old child that I worked with and his twin but much chunkier brother. I was told that I should always come prepared to go swimming on any given day yet we never seemed to actually go. It was now near the end of the summer.

On a day much like any other I showed up to this boys' house, where it should be noted that the grandmother cared for the children during the day. I had forgotten to come prepared to swim as we had never actually gone at this point. As memory has it I was wearing knee length cargo shorts and my glasses, so I could look smart of course. When I came to the door the grandmother greeted me with the good news that we were about to go swimming that day. I told her that I was not prepared and was very sorry but there was no way I could return home and get my stuff and be back in time. She smiled, a smile I now remembered as a wicked smile but I know that is not true, and told me not to worry. She knew what to do.


To be continued...